At the end of last week I was really depressed, even after having the most awesome session of my career I was upset, mad, worried, disappointed and in a very bad mood. With all the uncertainty with regard to the future of online poker and after not making a T.V. appearance on “Ultimate Poker Cash Game” because of a “registration error” I was in this state of anguish, So I did what always cheers me up – I played poker – I played for the “fun” I played a low stakes $3-6 limit mixed game in one of the few remaining poker rooms that allows smoking. when everything seemed to click into place for me – I don’t know exactly what it was that sparked my inner thoughts – possibly the atmosphere of the poker room, the laughter and jokes among the players, suddenly I thought back to when I started playing poker and there was no “online poker boom” and the reasons for my decision to play was never to be on T.V.!!
When I started playing there was no “poker boom”, there was no WPT aired on discovery channel and World Series Of Poker on ESPN was hardly a highly rated program on television. About the only notable site that you would even consider playing at was paradise poker – and who needed that!!!!
I played because I enjoyed the game, I made it my profession because I loved the game and it was very close to the business world of investments that I came from. Back then you did not tell people that were a “Poker Player” that meant to them “degenerate” don’t get me wrong I was never ashamed – but this life was for me, not even my family understood. They did not have to understand, because this life was mine and I just had to make it provide for my family and me and that was it!
I do not wish to be that person that I had become; Poker for me has been a way of life -My way of life! I will not play in a game of great competition for the privilege of television time. If the game is juicy and T.V. cameras are there so be it – but I will be the one in the hooded sweatshirt and glasses because I plan to remain that guy you never saw coming…When I sit at a table they do not know that I see through the cards and know what they are feeling – you do not know that I have seen every possible hand, every possible outcome and every possible move that you have yet to try and make. I once lost a very large pot when I got all-in against an inside straight draw to my top set of queens, and after the straight came and the pot was shoved away from me and I remained calm, cool and collected the guy next to me said “man, you must be steamed now”, Really, I wanted to tell him the truth but better judgment came over me and I just said “yeah, imp really gonna play crazy now” – I will not admit that I am a professional and have been unlucky far less than I have been fortunate, “that hand is over but my fortune continues because you all are still here” THAT is what is in my mind – Most players, pro’s even do not realize that poker is never about outcomes – It’s all about decisions! Making the right decision is all you can do – the cards you cannot control, let them control you – and broke you will soon be!
I am above all else, A grinder! When I lose that perspective and start thinking about T.V. time, endorsement deals, large tournaments won with the acclaim of the poker word, I lose a big part of who I really am…I am the old school grinder…I do not play for anybody but myself, I do not play to prove to anybody not even myself! When the poker boom is all over and the dust is settled and the endorsement deals are gone – I will be at a table grinding…If online poker is no longer available to US payers and all the Internet millionaires go back to school or go to work, I will still be grinding………see, you cant stop a grinder -we have been here since the deck of cards was created, When we needed rich money we were on the cruise ships – when you close down the underground rooms, were on the net – and when you close that down were in the poker rooms looking for the fish.. Because this is our profession and what burns inside of a grinder and keeps us going is not something that you can learn or read in a book or find in a forum…it’s bread inside of us!
I lost perspective of why I got into this game and that caused me to be unhappy and depressed, when I came back down to earth I felt more alive and happier than ever,
Where am I? Grinding! -
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